1. THOU SHALL HAVE FUN ON THE DENVER CRUISER RIDE. And so it is written. This ride is about FUN. There are no agendas here. No slogans (except “Happy Thursday!”') that we adhere to. Come out and put a smile on your face and spread joy on a summer's Thursday night.
2. THOU SHALT NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR WEATHER. We ride rain or shine, end of story. As much as we’d like to imagine that we can control the weather, we leave that up to the weather Goddess. So whatever the weather, there will be a ride on Thursday nights! One year, on a night filled with tornado watches and pouring rain, we still had some brave souls on the ride that didn’t give a rat’s ass about the weather and rode anyway. Don't miss it! These have always been some of the funnest nights … and what, are you gonna melt, sugar pie?
3. THOU SHALT NOT RUN RED LIGHTS. Sure it seems stupid to wait at a light in Downtown when there are no cars coming, but think of this as time to socialize or break into an impromptu dance party until the light changes to green. We guarantee this is more fun than being marked like Cain for being a stupid idiot.
4. BLESSED BE THE TNSR. There are other days you shall labor and do all your work, but the blessed day (in 2021) is – Thursday – and is the day of the Denver Cruiser Ride. In it, you shall ride thy bicycle. And so it is written. Keep it holy.
5. HONOR THE DENVER MUNICIPAL BICYCLE CODE. Yes, honor your father and your mother, too, but the high holyness that is the Denver Municipal Bicycle Code must receive the respect and honor it deserves so that that your days may be long upon the land. Yes, this means you. What we are saying, in as plain of terms as the jiberish in the fine books of the lord: Don’t break the laws or else your peers will rain down something a helluva lot worse than fire and brimstone on you.
6. THOU SHALL NOT OVER-EMBIBE. If you CHOOSE to drink, for the love of god, just do it responsibly. Yes, there are rules, laws and limits. But the basic reality is we don't want to, nor are we going to be, your mommy. No, really. And, as explained in Commandment 5 above, obeying the already rules in place in the City of Denver is a key component - and as much as you'd like to believe that you are above the laws of our brethren, open-container laws exist and you are not exempt just because you’re atop a sweet cruiser bicycle. You know your limits - just be "smart" and we won't have any problems. Again, we don’t wanna see you be smitten.
7. THOU SHALL NOT BE UNSAFE. You are riding at your own risk, and the Denver Cruiser Ride is not yo’momma. In other words, we’re not liable if you decide to act like a doofus and end up getting hurt. If you can’t behave, stay home. Can’t say it any clearer than this: the Denver Cruiser Ride, and anyone associated with the ride, assumes no liability for your behavior, the results of that behavior, or your safety. You ride at your own risk. So bless thy bike and join in, just don’t be a jackass. Click here for all the legal mumbo jumbo that describes your liability <here>
8. THOU SHALL NOT LITTER. Litterers are worse than Judas. Seriously, don’t stab your city in the back. We’re all adults, and we clean up after ourselves. LEAVE NO TRACE means exactly what it says: leave everything in better condition than when you found it. Ignore this rule and you will be publicly ridiculed until you want to hide in a cave for three days. Your call.
9. THY OPPONENT WITH THE MOST LUG NUTS WINS. An easy measurement to gauge what user has the “right of way” on the road, all you have to do is count the lug nuts on their rig…in other words, get the &$%@ out of the way for automobiles, trucks and buses. This ain’t a David and Goliath situation and we don’t want to be forced to scrape you off the street because you don't have the good sense the lord gave you to get off your high seat. Set an example for other riders by being a good rider.
10. THOU SHALL NOT COVET YOUR NEIGHBOR'S BICYCLE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Keep yer hands off what isn’t yours. There are sweet rides everywhere. Use them to inspire your creativity. Don’t poach or steal and please be respectful of each other. If you want drama, watch TV. We've seen it aplenty, and you should treat the Denver Cruiser Ride as your mistress, and quit trying to fuck everyone on the ride. The jr. high school behavior is seriously getting tiresome. As the good book says, treat others as you'd like others to treat you. It's pretty basic stuff people.